Treat that body (Week 18)

"Uh, Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?"

Derek Zoolander pretty much set the standard for non-manly men, but he sure knew how to pamper himself. As a big hairy ape-man, I decided I would do the same for a week, pretty much following Derek's lead and starting with the spa.

Manscape Spa in downtown Victoria

Manscape is the only all-male spa west of Toronto and north of San Francisco. Owner-operator Doug Janczyn is an ex-investment broker who's been offering manicures, pedicures and more for 10 years, and he's just an overall great guy. He took one look at my fingernails, which I had clipped way too short and decided he could not give me good value on a manicure. So he suggested a few other pampering procedures: an eyebrow sculpt and a pedicure.

Now, why would a dude want that kind of stuff? Doug explained that the sculpting would give me the appearance of being more alert, and there are all kinds of health benefits to a pedicure. Being a skeptic, I wasn't sure. But yeah, the eyebrow thing was almost like an instant facelift, and the pedicure was just plain awesome. Because he's working on the much thicker skin of men's feet, and because he knows people like me would appreciate it, Doug breaks out the Dremel power tool with a special attachment when he starts grinding away at the callouses and unsightly lunar landscape of a fella's foot.

A pedicure is also a soothing experience, complete with hot towels, foot massage, essential oils and a foot cream finish. I walked out of there like I was stepping onto a cloud. Highly recommended!

Next up came an evening of father-daughter face masks. My daughter Holly happened to have a tub of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay. Mix it up with a bunch of apple cider vinegar, apply liberally to your face and wait for the burn. It even says on the label that "guys love it too" so how could I go wrong? I could definitely feel the exfoliating happening, and just hoped it wasn't melting the flesh from my bones. Half an hour later, it had worked its magic and we were now a pair of happily bonded father and daughter beauty care guinea pigs. Oh, and I think my skin was even better for it, but what that means to a guy my age might not be earth-shattering.

I also went to my favourite barber in downtown Victoria, Central Barbers & Stylists. You know, the place where Bashir works. A lot of men will pass up on available chairs to wait on Bashir's scissors. But it turns out that the hair cut is only part of the story. Bashir keeps a tub of hot wax beside his barber stool and always asks you the all-important question: ears and nose? Not to belabour the point, but guys my age suffer from runaway sprouting in places we never imagined. So Bashir dips a pair of wooden strips in the wax and pops them in your ears. He follows that up with a duo up your snout. Then...rrrrrrip! Out they come in hairy clumps and you're good to go for another 6 weeks!

What body-pampering spa week would be complete without a massage? I found a good place, Atlas, that forms a perfect triangle with Central Barbers and Manscape spa. If there are still people out there who think they can't get a massage cuz they don't like strangers' hands on their body, I truly feel sorry for them. It's just one of the great treats in life. If I had millions, I would get a massage every day. As it is, I have to settle for monthly. But each time, I emerge feeling like I did have millions. I feel rested, renewed, rejuvenated and like the cares of the world have just been kneaded right out of my body.

We all put our bodies through a lot, and we owe them a lot too. I find it amusing that someone would spend hours cleaning and waxing their car, but wouldn't dream of doing the same to themselves. My week of treating my body like a temple instead of a garbage dump has definitely set something in motion. My body is gonna love me!

NEXT WEEK: Tidying the neighbourhood